Comuter Beers

A FEW COLD ONES

DOS BEER:

Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an
8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going
to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

MAC BEER:

At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is
not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that
"you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your
empties to the trashcan.

WINDOWS 3.1 BEER:

The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows
you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can
only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are
drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently
no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 BEER:

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when
you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

WINDOWS 95 BEER:

You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's
wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside,
the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably
keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer
and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print,
has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though
the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

WINDOWS NT BEER:

Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to
change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95
beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and
suggested only for use in bars.

UNIX BEER:

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they
claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the
pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your
own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either
need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking
UNIX Beer for several years.

AMIGADOS BEER:

The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked
up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.
This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer
didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are
an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but
now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced,
it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over
the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is
only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS BEER:

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain
extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure
development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list
of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown
listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was
once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no
one can claim to have actually seen it.

Last modified November 23, 2001
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