Dumb Warning Labels

Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry for
its wonderful idiocy:

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun
Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered
that it wasn't made up.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat
lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte,
Gaithersburg)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

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Honorable Mentions

On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of
$4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
(Jim
Gaffney, Manassas)

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
Robin, Gaithersburg)

On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide,
which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan,
Potomac)

On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political
figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are
you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No
meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may
explode. (Doug
Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they
appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David
Handelsman,
Charlottesville)

On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
Last modified November 23, 2001
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